Pavlovian heart.
Smiling eyes crept up on the silent heart in plain sight. A flutter, then a soft beat was felt. Reanimation. Pounding in a rhythm that speaks emotion that there are no words for. Then a brick appears. Another. Despite the wall that is forming, the beating continues. Louder. As if insinuating a scream for help. Will anyone stop the fear?
i often describe it as being a ghost and watching yourself helplessly. wanting to intervene, but unable. depression. i don’t know why it chose me, or how i get rid of it. Fatigue is usually the first indicator that it is attacking. then comes the hopelessness. fighting with my own mind to be rational is usually next. sometimes, i just drive nowhere. other times i find a quiet place and cry, not knowing why. other times, i look to the drawer where the pills are and weigh the pros and cons of consuming the whole bottle. if i’m being honest, i look forward to death. i welcome it. peace, rest, no more fighting to do the right thing. my family doesn’t know how to take this. can’t blame them. most people see the mask i wear. they see me faking happiness and responsibility. but i know im slipping. pretty soon faking it wont be enough. i’ve promised that i won’t do anything to harm myself as long as my kids are living with me. i wont scar them that way. one day though, they will not need me, and i will be free to end the pain. the lack of control. i will be able to stop fighting…..and i look forward to that. i envy those who are in the cemeteries that i often visit. some think its morbid and crazy. i dont know that they are wrong. all i do know is that feeling this way keeps some hope alive. keeps me fighting a little longer. because i know that someday it will end, and i will feel control over myself again.
I know you don’t care. Not for me or who i am. Im just a piece of flesh to be used. Entertainment for your perverted fantasies. So why do i still care?
Sadistic, the magnitude of loneliness one feels when they are in love. Led astray then cruelly taught the meaning of unrequited. A situation akin to being used. And humanity wonders how cynicism evolved. #love #cynicism #bitter
secretmusings: out of body depression →
two people sat next to one another one crying and holding a bottle of pills…ready to commit suicide. hopeless and full of shame. the other fully rational and coherent ready to talk the first person back into reality. Looking on was a ghost. completely unnoticed by the two woman in the middle of…
secretmusings: 06/10/92 →
The room was crowded and full of women and children. Books lay on the waiting room tables. Where is Waldo caught her attention. Maybe that would take her mind off of why she was there. A few days earlier she had been so happy, now she was filled with fear, anxiety and sadness. Her name was…
secretmusings: waking death →
aware of everything around her, she lays down not wanting to wake from the sleep she desires. Eyes closed, she sees a tunnel, there is a light at the end, but it is in the shape of a triangle.
It spins slowly, hands reach out from the dark at her. She can still hear the birds outside her window…
Untitled
going to the grave over and over again, alone and cold. Spiders crawl from my mouth and consume me. deception is sweet when dosed in small amounts over time. eat up.
Mirages
There’s a rabbit in the desert. It smiles angelic outwardly and sneers like a demon inside. It will consume you in an effort to hide the battle that rages within its own soul. Still, you’ll run to catch it.
Sadistic, the magnitude of loneliness one feels when they are in love. Led astray then cruelly taught the meaning of unrequited. A situation akin to being used. And humanity wonders how cynicism evolved. #love #cynicism #bitter
