Smiling eyes crept up on the silent heart in plain sight. A flutter, then a soft beat was felt. Reanimation. Pounding in a rhythm that speaks emotion that there are no words for. Then a brick appears. Another. Despite the wall that is forming, the beating continues. Louder. As if insinuating a scream for help. Will anyone stop the fear?
i often describe it as being a ghost and watching yourself helplessly. wanting to intervene, but unable. depression. i don’t know why it chose me, or how i get rid of it. Fatigue is usually the first indicator that it is attacking. then comes the hopelessness. fighting with my own mind to be rational is usually next. sometimes, i just drive nowhere. other times i find a quiet place and cry, not knowing why. other times, i look to the drawer where the pills are and weigh the pros and cons of consuming the whole bottle. if i’m being honest, i look forward to death. i welcome it. peace, rest, no more fighting to do the right thing. my family doesn’t know how to take this. can’t blame them. most people see the mask i wear. they see me faking happiness and responsibility. but i know im slipping. pretty soon faking it wont be enough. i’ve promised that i won’t do anything to harm myself as long as my kids are living with me. i wont scar them that way. one day though, they will not need me, and i will be free to end the pain. the lack of control. i will be able to stop fighting…..and i look forward to that. i envy those who are in the cemeteries that i often visit. some think its morbid and crazy. i dont know that they are wrong. all i do know is that feeling this way keeps some hope alive. keeps me fighting a little longer. because i know that someday it will end, and i will feel control over myself again.
I know you don’t care. Not for me or who i am. Im just a piece of flesh to be used. Entertainment for your perverted fantasies. So why do i still care?
Sadistic, the magnitude of loneliness one feels when they are in love. Led astray then cruelly taught the meaning of unrequited. A situation akin to being used. And humanity wonders how cynicism evolved. #love #cynicism #bitter